So I'm moving. One year and 5 months from my last post, I'm moving!
Can't wait! In the short span of a year, I've gotten married, got a promotion from work, lost a couple of friends, (and on hindsight, its like clearing out an old dusty storage room. Only the best things survive.) and did an amazing number of random stuff!
The husband left for New Jersey just two days back and I am already in a bad shape. I miss him so badly its not even sweet. Its achingly heartbreaking. It'll be another 5 long months before I get to join him and already I am in no mood for work. I am still doing what I can and seeing my students but I hate planning for all that extra stuff that is required of me. I just need to sit back and somehow STOP working.
Can't wait. =)))))))))))))))
I haven't been blogging for so long, I just have to rant to my heart's desire today.
My first rant:
My first trial on the mooncup today. OMG. I cannot believe how painful it was. At least for someone who has never used a tampon, it sure was an unpleasant sensation. For the uninitiated, the mooncup is my way of showing that I want to stop producing unnecessary waste.
The mooncup, as in name suggests, is a device that is inserted down under to collect your monthly flow. Because it is a reusable silicon cup, it creates literally zero wastage as compared to the use of pads and tampons. I must admit that this must sound totally gross, its a sacrifice I'm willing to make for the better of the humankind. (hur.)
My second rant:
I've been feeling rather lost about my job recently. I don't know if I want to continue teaching after my bond is up. So when the bf suggested that there was a high possibility that he would break his bond and head elsewhere for his phd, I was elated. I saw it as a chance for me to leave with him and really then, I didn't have to make a decision on my part (if you know what I mean).
Thing is, I'll be a fool to say that I do not feel overexploited and underappreciated at times, but the thing that really gets me are the people who lurk in the office. I am there to teach and learn and maybe change some lives (hardly possible but trying for real.). But there are ppl there who think that I do whatever I do for whatever EPMS, and whatever PORTFOLIO and whatever 'show' they I think am trying to direct. And it disturbs and pisses me that ppl can be that competitive. Right down to the most retarded of things. So because of certain other humans, I am forced to re-think my job options. Made to feel depressed and pessimistic about my job. Happy to know that the bf could be my only way out the misery that I'm in now.
My third rant:
So I met up the ex and some other classmates with our partners in tow. It was strange, watching him with a ring in his finger and his wife-to-be in conversation. I suddenly had this feeling that I was watching myself watching everyone from within a space of my own.
I am feeling a tinge of ...... lost? reminiscence? I can't say for sure. I am definitely happy whereever I am now but it strange. All I can say for sure is that at some point in your life, when you forcefully yank something or someone out of your life, no matter how convinced you were before that it was the best thing ever, some thoughts and feelings still come back to haunt you. And it scares me. Sort of.
The one song I'll say Yes to.
She may be the face I can't forget
The trace of pleasure or regret
May be my treasure or the price I have to pay
She may be the song that summer sings
May be the chill that autumn brings
May be a hundred different things
Within the measure of a day
She may be the beauty or the beast
May be the famine or the feast
May turn each day into a heaven or a hell
She may be the mirror of my dreams
Her smile reflected in a stream
She may not be what she may seem
Inside her shell
She who always seem so happy in a crowd
Whose eyes could be so private and so proud
No one's allowed to see them when they cry
She may be the love that never hopes to last
May come to me from shadows of the past
remember til the day i die
She maybe the reason I survive
The why and wherefore I'm alive
The one I'll care for through the rough and ready years
I'll take her laughter and her tears
And make them all my souvenirs
And where she goes I got to be
The meaning of my ife is she
The weekend leading up to my first day of the hols has been swell.
I was hit by a sudden urge to want to walk, to stroll, to keep moving. Thought I'll take a bus down to Botanical Gardens and check out the books at the Nature Society's store but then that would be such a waste of time. So I decided on a whim to walk home from school after remedial lessons with some of my girls. I was plugged in to Les Miserables, the weather was perfect, I didn't see why not.
9/10 of the way, I came across a bicycle shop and bought myself a women's bike (yes it's inefficient and very auntie but I wear skirts to work so its practical!). Rode the rest of the way home and was pretty happy with the way my new bike looked, chained to the rack at the void deck.
Later in the night, I was to join giam and a couple of friends for somebody's birthday celebrations. I don't know what got into me but I headed to Brewerkz when giam really said Brekos. So there I was, late from dance, and searching frantically amongst the Saturday night crowd. Then somehow, it struck me. Anyway, I got to Brekos in the end and had a nice time watching one of the most hilarious soccer matches ever. (Portsmouth vs ManU. Ok funny to me cause I'm not a supporter. But really. HA!) My friend drove us back in his dad's lorry and I had the best time lying at the back, plugged in (again to Les Miserables) and watching the streetlights blizz by.
IT fair was a nightmare. The silly Sony products are still pricey (why did so many people buy their stuff?!). I bet there were many people who were just caught in the moment and bought stuff cause the atmosphere was just so encouraging.
Giam and I trooped down to Kinokuniya and Borders and stocked up on countless books because we simply cannot resist Borders offers. The only drawback is that Borders doesn't have a good collection of local/Southeast asian publications. So all my local nature literature has to be bought from Kinokuniya. Actually, pretty much everything that I want is from Kinokuniya since Borders stocks up more on bestsellers and commercially viable books.
Cycled to school on my brand new bike. Think most passer-bys must have thought I was some China girl going to work. The only other people on bikes were old men and aunties with marketing in their front basket. I had my trusty laptop that was bobbing around like mad.
So, the weekend has been good. A lovely start to the holidays. Can't wait to get home and start on my books. =) Oh yes. And do some reading up on plants cause I'm gonna go tree-top walking with a colleague and recce the place for some teachable moments. =)
So I'm here, in an office that has probably only three other bodies, trying hard to straighten up what is known as my desk. The desk that I've grown accustomed to for the past year. The task is gargantuous. I have too many things, too many nooks and crannies, too much junk to dispose of. How does one accumulate this amount of treasure in a year? I'm thinking Ariel sans fins. The job can never be done in a day. 30 minutes on and I'm already sniffing, tearing and itching my eyes out. The area around me looks like a war zone. The aisle is blocked by bags of trash, trolleys, empty boxes, dance costumes, past homework/exam papers, and quite a considerable amount of souvenirs collected from the events that took place in the span of a year. I am about to give up but I can't. I need a pretty desk to work on when school starts. If only the "Happy Working Song" works.
excerpt from Swift as Desire
"Money had no value to him and he would never dare compare it to a gesture of love. For example, arranging a serenade at three in the morning meant so much more than buying a diamond bracelet. It showed his willingness to forgo sleep, to withstand the cold, to run the risk of being mugged or getting drenched by irate neighbours. And that was certainly worth a lot more than simply a bought present. The value of things was so relative. And money, in his mind, was like a huge magnifying glass that only distorted reality and gave things a dimension they didn't really possess. What was a love letter worth? In his eyes, it was worth a great deal."
Tired. Just woke up from an hour long nap in the wellness lounge in school. I basically fell asleep on the massage bed the moment I lay down on it. Still have reports to check and churn out before tomorrow. Stomach's in a bad state since I've been constipated the past days.
Bad news came in today. The heartbeat of the little one stopped. I didn't know how to react except wonder if that was the cause of my uneasiness for the past few days. I didn't know how to console or what to say. Didn't want to question and tax the mother even more. Been wanting to burst out into crying fits at random times but its not possible to in the office. I feel the loss, so what more the mother herself. I just hope that she'll be fine. That she'll learn to take it and know that she now has a guardian angel watching over her. And I hope I'll know the right things to say when I see her again.
Something's not right but I just can't seem to put a finger to it. My heart's racing every waking moment. I think I need to get down and get things done before the feeling consumes me.
Dinner at the Regent was quite an affair, amongst other things. I got reminded of a song that I sang on two very disparate occasions: my mentor's wedding and to my grandmother when she was ill and stricken with cancer.
May the Lord show his mercy upon you
May the Light of his presence be your guide
May He guard you and uphold you
May His spirit be ever by your side
When you sleep may His angels watch over you
When you wake may He fill you with His grace
May you love Him and serve Him all your days
Then in Heaven may you see His face
Too many thoughts running through my mind and this is the second time I am writing this post. The feeling of uneasiness points to work or relationship related issues but really, I don't know what.
One thing I learnt today:
Gotta make that my default behaviour since I've been a bitch for too long.
Had an incredible run of Fight Club: The Chorus. The weeks of learning together, laughing, goofing on stage turned out good for all three nights. Am glad to be part of the production where I learnt loads from choreographers and assistant choreographers alike.
Its going to be a hectic year ahead where new things are taking flight in school with the new management in place, concerts to run and perform in, productions to look forward to. Marriage cannot help but be the last thing on my list for now. Anyways, it's good to take some time to sort things out and make sure that the end product would be near perfect. I'm not any younger, but I can wait. =)
Hah! I must indeed congratulate myself for having finish the triathlon! Doesn't matter that I wasn't close to being first, doesn't matter that i got kicked about and almost died while swimming the first leg of the race, doesn't matter that my timing is not as good as wong li lin's, doesn't matter that I didn't train properly for it, doesn't matter that I got all my shoes wet and muddy and it doesn't even matter that I got photographed while looking really tired and gone from all that exercise. I made it! I made it, I made it, I made it! I finished the mini race and wasn't even feeling all that tired! I am sooo glad that I didn't stop halfway, didn't get myself killed and didn't give up! So congratulate me folks, on my very first successful attempt at completing a triathlon. =)