So I'm moving. One year and 5 months from my last post, I'm moving!

Can't wait! In the short span of a year, I've gotten married, got a promotion from work, lost a couple of friends, (and on hindsight, its like clearing out an old dusty storage room. Only the best things survive.) and did an amazing number of random stuff!

The husband left for New Jersey just two days back and I am already in a bad shape. I miss him so badly its not even sweet. Its achingly heartbreaking. It'll be another 5 long months before I get to join him and already I am in no mood for work. I am still doing what I can and seeing my students but I hate planning for all that extra stuff that is required of me. I just need to sit back and somehow STOP working.

Can't wait. =)))))))))))))))

I haven't been blogging for so long, I just have to rant to my heart's desire today.

My first rant:

My first trial on the mooncup today. OMG. I cannot believe how painful it was. At least for someone who has never used a tampon, it sure was an unpleasant sensation. For the uninitiated, the mooncup is my way of showing that I want to stop producing unnecessary waste.

The mooncup, as in name suggests, is a device that is inserted down under to collect your monthly flow. Because it is a reusable silicon cup, it creates literally zero wastage as compared to the use of pads and tampons. I must admit that this must sound totally gross, its a sacrifice I'm willing to make for the better of the humankind. (hur.)

My second rant:

I've been feeling rather lost about my job recently. I don't know if I want to continue teaching after my bond is up. So when the bf suggested that there was a high possibility that he would break his bond and head elsewhere for his phd, I was elated. I saw it as a chance for me to leave with him and really then, I didn't have to make a decision on my part (if you know what I mean).

Thing is, I'll be a fool to say that I do not feel overexploited and underappreciated at times, but the thing that really gets me are the people who lurk in the office. I am there to teach and learn and maybe change some lives (hardly possible but trying for real.). But there are ppl there who think that I do whatever I do for whatever EPMS, and whatever PORTFOLIO and whatever 'show' they I think am trying to direct. And it disturbs and pisses me that ppl can be that competitive. Right down to the most retarded of things. So because of certain other humans, I am forced to re-think my job options. Made to feel depressed and pessimistic about my job. Happy to know that the bf could be my only way out the misery that I'm in now.

My third rant:

So I met up the ex and some other classmates with our partners in tow. It was strange, watching him with a ring in his finger and his wife-to-be in conversation. I suddenly had this feeling that I was watching myself watching everyone from within a space of my own.

I am feeling a tinge of ...... lost? reminiscence? I can't say for sure. I am definitely happy whereever I am now but it strange. All I can say for sure is that at some point in your life, when you forcefully yank something or someone out of your life, no matter how convinced you were before that it was the best thing ever, some thoughts and feelings still come back to haunt you. And it scares me. Sort of.

The one song I'll say Yes to.

SHE

She may be the face I can't forget
The trace of pleasure or regret
May be my treasure or the price I have to pay
She may be the song that summer sings
May be the chill that autumn brings
May be a hundred different things
Within the measure of a day

She may be the beauty or the beast
May be the famine or the feast
May turn each day into a heaven or a hell
She may be the mirror of my dreams
Her smile reflected in a stream
She may not be what she may seem
Inside her shell

She who always seem so happy in a crowd
Whose eyes could be so private and so proud
No one's allowed to see them when they cry
She may be the love that never hopes to last
May come to me from shadows of the past

remember til the day i die

She maybe the reason I survive
The why and wherefore I'm alive
The one I'll care for through the rough and ready years

Me,
I'll take her laughter and her tears
And make them all my souvenirs
And where she goes I got to be
The meaning of my ife is she

She.....

The weekend leading up to my first day of the hols has been swell.

Saturday:

I was hit by a sudden urge to want to walk, to stroll, to keep moving. Thought I'll take a bus down to Botanical Gardens and check out the books at the Nature Society's store but then that would be such a waste of time. So I decided on a whim to walk home from school after remedial lessons with some of my girls. I was plugged in to Les Miserables, the weather was perfect, I didn't see why not.

9/10 of the way, I came across a bicycle shop and bought myself a women's bike (yes it's inefficient and very auntie but I wear skirts to work so its practical!). Rode the rest of the way home and was pretty happy with the way my new bike looked, chained to the rack at the void deck.

Later in the night, I was to join giam and a couple of friends for somebody's birthday celebrations. I don't know what got into me but I headed to Brewerkz when giam really said Brekos. So there I was, late from dance, and searching frantically amongst the Saturday night crowd. Then somehow, it struck me. Anyway, I got to Brekos in the end and had a nice time watching one of the most hilarious soccer matches ever. (Portsmouth vs ManU. Ok funny to me cause I'm not a supporter. But really. HA!) My friend drove us back in his dad's lorry and I had the best time lying at the back, plugged in (again to Les Miserables) and watching the streetlights blizz by.

Sunday:

IT fair was a nightmare. The silly Sony products are still pricey (why did so many people buy their stuff?!). I bet there were many people who were just caught in the moment and bought stuff cause the atmosphere was just so encouraging.

Giam and I trooped down to Kinokuniya and Borders and stocked up on countless books because we simply cannot resist Borders offers. The only drawback is that Borders doesn't have a good collection of local/Southeast asian publications. So all my local nature literature has to be bought from Kinokuniya. Actually, pretty much everything that I want is from Kinokuniya since Borders stocks up more on bestsellers and commercially viable books.

Monday:

Cycled to school on my brand new bike. Think most passer-bys must have thought I was some China girl going to work. The only other people on bikes were old men and aunties with marketing in their front basket. I had my trusty laptop that was bobbing around like mad.

So, the weekend has been good. A lovely start to the holidays. Can't wait to get home and start on my books. =) Oh yes. And do some reading up on plants cause I'm gonna go tree-top walking with a colleague and recce the place for some teachable moments. =)

So I'm here, in an office that has probably only three other bodies, trying hard to straighten up what is known as my desk. The desk that I've grown accustomed to for the past year. The task is gargantuous. I have too many things, too many nooks and crannies, too much junk to dispose of. How does one accumulate this amount of treasure in a year? I'm thinking Ariel sans fins. The job can never be done in a day. 30 minutes on and I'm already sniffing, tearing and itching my eyes out. The area around me looks like a war zone. The aisle is blocked by bags of trash, trolleys, empty boxes, dance costumes, past homework/exam papers, and quite a considerable amount of souvenirs collected from the events that took place in the span of a year. I am about to give up but I can't. I need a pretty desk to work on when school starts. If only the "Happy Working Song" works.

excerpt from Swift as Desire

"Money had no value to him and he would never dare compare it to a gesture of love. For example, arranging a serenade at three in the morning meant so much more than buying a diamond bracelet. It showed his willingness to forgo sleep, to withstand the cold, to run the risk of being mugged or getting drenched by irate neighbours. And that was certainly worth a lot more than simply a bought present. The value of things was so relative. And money, in his mind, was like a huge magnifying glass that only distorted reality and gave things a dimension they didn't really possess. What was a love letter worth? In his eyes, it was worth a great deal."

Tired. Just woke up from an hour long nap in the wellness lounge in school. I basically fell asleep on the massage bed the moment I lay down on it. Still have reports to check and churn out before tomorrow. Stomach's in a bad state since I've been constipated the past days.

Bad news came in today. The heartbeat of the little one stopped. I didn't know how to react except wonder if that was the cause of my uneasiness for the past few days. I didn't know how to console or what to say. Didn't want to question and tax the mother even more. Been wanting to burst out into crying fits at random times but its not possible to in the office. I feel the loss, so what more the mother herself. I just hope that she'll be fine. That she'll learn to take it and know that she now has a guardian angel watching over her. And I hope I'll know the right things to say when I see her again.

Something's not right but I just can't seem to put a finger to it. My heart's racing every waking moment. I think I need to get down and get things done before the feeling consumes me.

Dinner at the Regent was quite an affair, amongst other things. I got reminded of a song that I sang on two very disparate occasions: my mentor's wedding and to my grandmother when she was ill and stricken with cancer.

May the Lord show his mercy upon you
May the Light of his presence be your guide
May He guard you and uphold you
May His spirit be ever by your side

When you sleep may His angels watch over you
When you wake may He fill you with His grace
May you love Him and serve Him all your days
Then in Heaven may you see His face

Too many thoughts running through my mind and this is the second time I am writing this post. The feeling of uneasiness points to work or relationship related issues but really, I don't know what.

One thing I learnt today:
BE NICE

Gotta make that my default behaviour since I've been a bitch for too long.

Had an incredible run of Fight Club: The Chorus. The weeks of learning together, laughing, goofing on stage turned out good for all three nights. Am glad to be part of the production where I learnt loads from choreographers and assistant choreographers alike.

Its going to be a hectic year ahead where new things are taking flight in school with the new management in place, concerts to run and perform in, productions to look forward to. Marriage cannot help but be the last thing on my list for now. Anyways, it's good to take some time to sort things out and make sure that the end product would be near perfect. I'm not any younger, but I can wait. =)

Hah! I must indeed congratulate myself for having finish the triathlon! Doesn't matter that I wasn't close to being first, doesn't matter that i got kicked about and almost died while swimming the first leg of the race, doesn't matter that my timing is not as good as wong li lin's, doesn't matter that I didn't train properly for it, doesn't matter that I got all my shoes wet and muddy and it doesn't even matter that I got photographed while looking really tired and gone from all that exercise. I made it! I made it, I made it, I made it! I finished the mini race and wasn't even feeling all that tired! I am sooo glad that I didn't stop halfway, didn't get myself killed and didn't give up! So congratulate me folks, on my very first successful attempt at completing a triathlon. =)

Many things have taken place and there's many more to come. This weekend can either turn out to be triumphant for G.I.Lian or could very well the the end of Gillian. This silly mini triathlon I've signed up for, no thanks to the sister, will be the root cause of it. Hur. I've done zilch training pertaining to the triath so I'm really not looking forward to clocking some amazing timing but rather, just keeping myself alive.

Some huge ass primary school gathering is taking place this coming fri and I wonder if I'll have the energy to take myself there. Much as I love my ex-teachers and would love to meet them, the prospects of meeting up with old old old friends somehow isn't tugging at the right strings.

A close friend leaving for England for good is having a quiet dinner party on Sunday and I bet I'll be half worrying about stuff that I've yet to complete while having dinner. Despite all that hours I've been putting in, work never seems to get done DONE.

I can't seem to stop getting ideas of projects coming ot my mind while still desperately trying to cope with the work I have on hand. Someone tell me what to do!!!

There is something very wrong in the way I'm building my relationships with my students. Just the other day, a couple of them came and asked for extra lessons with me. I agreed and left it to them to decide the time and venue for the lesson. So, it was decided that we were going to meet at 9am in school for the lesson.

Came saturday, I saw no sight of them until 1130. I called and they were still in bed. They have no idea how irresponsible their actions were and how they have absolutely no regard for someone else's time. I was miffed. I taught for an hour and left. I was obviously mad but no apologies were made at all. Something has to be really wrong. I was in such a rage that I ended up keeping mum at that point in time because I knew that something would have gone drastically wrong should I have said something there and then. On hindsight, I wished I had put my foot down and left for home. Honestly, I really don't know. Makes me feel like a terrible teacher.

Oh my gosh. I think my body's rebelling. Within the span of a month, I've suffered two mysterious attacks of some non-itchy rash that has left my back with scars that are very unsightly. They look like a mix of pimples and mosquito bites. I have no idea how I got them, but the first time around, I figured it was due to a course of muscle relaxants that I was on. But today, it came back again. I think my body's stressed out from all that activity. My heatiness has gotten to a point where I am so warm that i radiate heat and the people who come near me can actually feel it.

oh my god. I need something to block out the noise in my head. I'm notably tired. Sticks and stones may break your bones but words.... words, they do a lot worse.

3 months into my job and I'm almost sucked dry. I laughed while reading Lolitapop's entry on being "buried under her work'. Sounded so apt sometimes I wished the workload was so physically apparent so that people can see the amount of crap you're taking on. But despite of all that, I'm still happy. Deliriously and insanely happy that I've got work to do. I actually relish living the life of a workaholic but at the same time, I must admit that I miss hanging out with the bf and friends and doing naught.

I've got no holidays to speak of because NDP just about take up all of my spare morning hours. Tomorrow's gonna be a long long day running about at Seletar camp, doing major reno works to my homeroom and then having dinner cum revision with some kids from school. I know I should be preserving my sanity but I feel bad not giving extra help to these girls who will be taking their O's this year. Its hard ot undo three years of bad experience but I guess I have to try.

Am glad that my dance concert's finally over and I can spend more time getting more rest and probably marking work more efficiently. I hate the sight of student's work piling up on my desk.

On the other hand, the dance practices and concert kept me sane when I was literally dying from meeting up with the expectations of many at work. Am extremely comforted by the fact that my debut choreography went well and many had good things to say about it. I watched the video and personally I know that there's still so much more room for improvement for me in terms of dance technique and choreography but the encouragement that came from their congratulations did miracles for my very deflated self esteem. So to all who came and gave praises, I thank you. For without you, I think I would have thought twice about continuing dance in Synergy. Some close friends couldn't make it for the concert and have asked to watch the vids. Hopefully when I get to post it on Youtube, I'll have the link here as well.

The boyfriend deserves some mention here as well since he was there throughout and was a willing victim whenever I needed to try out some steps for my dance. Besides being the forced dancer, he has been taking pride in the fact that he is the only man around who can take my serious bitch fits. To that, I simply cannot disagree. He's great, only thing(s) that bother(s) me now is his ever growing paunch, his penchant for spouting nonsense and making me laugh when I am seriously pissed off, and his fugly mop for a head. =) (He's so going to strangle and squash me to death).

Following up from the previous post, it would be nice to know what other people lust for. Is it that secret love note written on cutesy paper? A great night out? Or that near perfect diamond accessory that lies beneath that glass display just waiting ot be picked up?

Talking about jewellery, I wonder if I'll take fancy to anything in particular. Been browsing (no I'm not getting married) and nothing seems to catch my fancy. They are either, too fancy, too thick, too common, too complicated or downright unimpressive. Anyone's seen anything that's worth some mention??

For the surprise bouquet of flowers.
Left on the desk,
Attached to a note
of appreciation and love.

For that getaway
To some place where work
does not exist
That has to be some place like this

Strength
To get through each day unscathed
Get my thins straight
My mind working
My lungs breathing
My heart beating

I'm lusting....for some peace
Quiet
Friendliness
No pretense friendship

I'm quite a bad judge of ppl but oh WTH, I wouldn't die. Come stab me.

On a brighter note, a fellow colleague received a pretty bouquet of flowers today and with it came a note so sweet, I never would know how it would feel like to receive something like that because it simply, would, could never happen. I am plain jealous. But I'm not alone. Whoever M.T. is, practically everyone around that cubicle is anxious to know. =)

Feeling drowsy in the office. Two more papers to set!
I should so choreograph a duet with this song. =)

I'll follow you into the dark

Love of mine some day you will die,
But I'll be close behind.
I'll follow you into the dark.

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white;
Just our hands clasped so tight,
Waiting for the hint of a spark.
If heaven and hell decide,
That they both are satisfied,
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs:

If there's no one beside you,
When your soul embarks;
Then I'll follow you into the dark.

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule,
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black,
And I held my tongue as she told me,
"Son, fear is the heart of love."
So I never went back.

If heaven and hell decide,
That they both are satisfied,
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs:

If there's no one beside you,
When your soul embarks;
Then I'll follow you into the dark.

You and me have seen everything to see;
From Bangkok to Calgary.
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down;
The time for sleep is now.
It's nothing to cry about,
'Cause we'll hold each other soon.
The blackest of rooms.

If heaven and hell decide,
That they both are satisfied,
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs:

If there's no one beside you,
When your soul embarks;
Then I'll follow you into the dark.
Then I'll follow you into the dark.

Something's happened in the office. I am still hoping that I haven't been unknowingly implicated/suspected of foul play. Sigh.

On a happier note, I am still happy doing what I do and getting to know more ppl. Work this week has been crazy. I need to get down to earth... too much too fast too sudden. Whatever it is, I am trying my darnest to not let anything affect my classroom teaching. That is all I ask for.

whooppeee!!! Started ballet class today. Lesson was a bang! How I wished I had started ballet earlier and younger. Oh well, no harm done, I gotta start somewhere anyway.

School's been absolutely delightful and as much as I've been bogged down by endless meetings and CCA courses etc., I love every bit of school! Dance with the CCA girls has been fun, camp with my form class has been great, and my colleagues are jsut soooo nice, helpful and adorable!

There's is a slot on Wednesday mornings in our timetable called the "SWC Protected time". School starts an hour later on this day and the teachers meet for various events planned by the SWC. This week, we had a "Bonding over breakfast session" and not only did we get really nice porridge, youtiao and loads others for breakfast, we also took the chance to draw lots and play angel and mortal to each other. So from now till Valentine's day (where all will be revealed) we are supposed to send letters, cards, gifts or anything we fancy to encourage our respective mortals. Exciting, except that I got an old male teacher (who's not very proficient in English) as a mortal and now I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

Wednesday's session ended the teachers having to point out each other's strengths and what they admired about the other person. The session became being very emotional for many and it was jsut filled with thanks and gratitude for one another.

This Wednesday, we're gonna learn Tamil from a fellow colleague. Can't wait!